Transness.org

Exploring Gender Identity

Musings of a Trans* Person

on December 14, 2016

I share these personal thoughts in hope they touch the right person at the right time.  We are not alone… we have each other.  This is my story… and I offer it to you… take it or leave it.

It has been over 8 years since I went full time, including the name change. Surgery was 2 ½ yrs ago. So where am I now? What has all this changed? I ask myself these questions all the time. I am not even convinced there is an answer to why? Except to say I had to, life compelled me to, it is like I made the decision before I was born!

My life as of December 2016 has reached a level of Peace I quite enjoy. Life is good! I love my life, which is simplified as much as possible. I don’t get out much these days and I rather like that. Socializing is fun in the mix, but it is not something I look forward to or seek out. Romance is out totally. I now identify as asexual and it fits well. Hugging and intimacy are fine, but not something I have to have. The one thing that sits in the back of my mind is the brainwashing I received as a child and which seems to be fed almost everywhere… work ethic, what’s good for me, and all the stereotypes we are fed all our lives. I am mostly free of them, but still have doubts from time to time. Intellectually I know better, but my programming says otherwise. I think it is the collective mind. We are making progress though. Identity is less and less important these days. Am I a man or woman for instance. Who cares? I am me. I know I was born male and that is all well and good, but I still don’t “feel like a man”. Never have really. I feel more like a woman I would say, but then what does all that mean? How does anyone know for sure? I don’t feel this is important. Other aspects of me are more important like compassion, empathy, caring, wisdom, and vision/perspective. I love the “big picture” and while I appreciate detail, it is not important to me. Feelings and emotion are important too. I experience these fairly deeply now and enjoy it, whether sad or happy or other. This to me is living.

At times I hear the voice saying I should have a career and make a difference in the world and then my conscience self says, why? That does more harm than good. Life is just the way it is supposed to be, if that is possible. It does feel right! So I will just leave it at that. It’s all good.

What has all this changed? Not a whole lot really. My Psychologist told me when I started transition that only about 5% made it to full transition. What this means is only a few transition from one gender to the other fully in their own minds… man becoming woman. I see now that he was correct. The hormones are a BIG part of the transition and without them these past 2.5 yrs I have slipped back to being about 60/40. I only ever got to about 80% woman with the help of estrogen. The orchi a few years ago only allowed me to drop the drugs and maintain most of what I gained. I see myself as I always have as a male woman. I wear what most would call women’s clothing and this is most important to me, so if you wish to call me a crossdresser or transvestite that works for me. I don’t care about labels any more. I do care that I feel good these days. I like who I am now. So as far as I am concerned the transition was successful. I rarely enjoyed doing “guy” things, but then I don’t really do “girly” things either. This has not changed. I have always been a naturalist with a deep connection to nature and life itself. I feel deeply and enjoy the dive! This has not always been so. I allow myself to be me now and this is what is important. If I were to start life over I would focus more on being loving and less on what is proper. I would allow myself to love people of all types without judgment. This is where I am now. So onward and upward. My goal is to see beyond the skin and to know Essence.

Love and Light,

Sequoia Elisabeth Carpenter

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