Transness.org

Exploring Gender Identity

My Life in Re-View

on May 15, 2017

My life in Re-view, so if I had this to do over again there are a few things I would do differently and here they are.

Starting with the largest change in my life, gender transition. I love that I can be who I am now (male woman), but I would not, repeat NOT take CHT. This means no estrogen and no testosterone either. I would have the Orchiectomy done much earlier, I waited too long hoping to have genital reassignment surgery (GRS). I am totally fine without that. I know I am not my gender, so why go to all the trouble to change things. Post op my life is no less empty than it was before. I see now as I stand on the other shore things where fine to start with. Did I have gender dysphoria before, Yes. Do I have it now, Yes, but it is more like body dysphoria. It is uncomfortable to be restricted to a body of either gender. My life is like a fading memory. I don’t even know what “my life” means any more. It seems like life is a collection of habits neither good and nor bad. Just motions we go through because we have accepted a certain role. This to me is what this life is all about. Role Play! None of it is “real”.

This may seem sad to you, but to me it just is and perhaps a wee bit too comfortable. My life now is good, as good as it can be. I have some fabulous memories of good times over the years, especially with my second partner. I screwed up leaving her! Alas, there is no going back now, nor do I want to. I know I am where I need to be. Would things be different if I had not transitioned and stayed with her, yes, but better? Who knows? I had this nagging voice telling me to move on and that to give in to comfort and what I felt as love would only prolong the journey. I was safe. My life now is pushing my limits in small ways and this feels “right”.

Other things I would do differently? Not much. Perhaps I would of pursued Greenhouse management more vigorously and taken some risks to assure that life. Again, I had a comfortable life as a MRI technologist and without motivation to change careers. I do not regret going with my first wife when she started medical school (we considered divorce at that time). I feel my relationship with her is a big success. I was there to help her achieve her goals and I did that. No regrets there. Now that my life as a MRI tech is over, I do feel a bit lost. Growing plants has always been rewarding and I enjoy this as much as anything I have done, so I continue to do this in my own small way. My room is full of terrariums, aquariums, and a paludarium.

Female ForestI see my life easily centered around a greenhouse, growing exotic plants, and keeping fish, etc. This is my dream home! A pond, tropical plants, growing space for exotics and all the life which goes with it, fish, reptiles, amphibians, and beneficial insects. Sounds primal doesn’t it? Perhaps it is and perhaps this represents my connection to Mother Earth. She expresses through me. In the end perhaps I am just too connected to nature to be a human being. From the mystical POV, I would be an “ent”. (look it up if you don’t know what this is). I chose the name “Sequoia” for this very reason. This tree is the largest living thing on earth and is a plant. So inspiring and God knows… I need my inspiration.

Sequoia Elisabeth 🙂

https://onenessministry.info/

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